Here's a note from quite a while ago, that a lot of you have asked me to put back up (a surprising amount of guys :P). I updated it a bit as my writing was juvenile-ish in Gr.9.
So, you're at the music store (or the mall or skatepark, respectively..) one day, when all of a sudden THEE hottest guy you've ever seen walks past you. Okay, maybe not. Never happens that easily (for most people), but there is a really cute guy at school or somewhere that you've had your eye on for a while. To you he's the most amazing thing you've ever seen, and you find yourself doing repulsively girlish things (the name in the notebook etc). You do everything to get his attention, from styling your hair differently to hiking that kilt up an extra inch (......skank!), to researching the engines of 16 different '68 muscle cars, and finally you've won him over and you end up together. Happily ever after will never, EVER apply, and you've just completely screwed yourself.
Here's where the trouble begins. Do you know why he wasn't interested at first? You weren't his type. Let me guess "Oh, but I am now!!". Here's the problem. You're a fake, and he's going to find out (in fact, he already knows, but enjoys the extra inch off your kilt). You've spent so much time on becoming something that you aren't that there's no way you'll maintain it, and you're going to look SO, so funny when it cracks.
The next issue is your actual personality. you'll feel unsatisfied because when you actually DO show your personality, he brushes it off or whatnot. You start to feel like he doesn't value you, or doesn't appreciate you, and that you're something to take for granted. It's all true. You've made yourself something tailored for him, and thrown yourself at him. Guys like a chase, and you really didn't give much if any at all. It would have been very, very obvious to him that you were trying to net him as you tried to be coy with your "seduction" (I use quotes here because it's absolutely moronic). for these reasons he realizes that you'll do anything to keep him, making him able to be irresponsible with the relationship. He doesn't have to be responsible in it.
As much as you'd like to blame him for this treatment, it really is your fault. Did you take the time to understand his personality? Do you share common interests? Do you both enjoy being around each other? I'm pretty sure the valid answer to all of these is 'no'. But, as a chick, you'll delude yourself into believing that these things are true. You really haven't invested any of the time or effort that you should have to be in a functional, happy, real relationship.
Eventually it either ends or he leaves you for someone else. When he finds this person (notice "find" and not "had handed to him") they get along great, they have fun doing all kinds of things, and he's aware of her, and is most likely in tune to how she's feeling. He's into her. "Why wasn't he like that with me!?" It's simple. You weren't what he needed, and you had nothing in common. They most likely share a lot of similarities, and have fun doing things they enjoy together, rather than clinging to each other for appearance. In some cases, yes, the couples don't have too much in common, but they're interested in each other. As time goes on, however, they end up dabbling in each other's hobbies and balancing (not intentionally, it just happens). They learn to enjoy these tings, either for the other person (not so healthy) or because they'd never tried them before and they really do end up enjoying these new things. If this doesn't happen, they generally separate after not too long.
This relationship will end. Like it or not, it'll come crashing (it isn't really high enough to crash...) to the ground. There isn't a basis of trust, friendship, truth, or love. without the fundamentals of a healthy relationship, how do you expect to support one? How can you work through the problems without the tools? You can't, and you won't.
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Another favourite that women have is finding someone they're attracted to, and trying to change them when they find something they don't like. I like to call this the "Home Improvement Committee". You decide that you can better him, and help him change. That, is a crock of shit. You're actually pushing him into the mould of what you want, and if you're a woman who subscribes to the theory that there's someone "perfect" out there for you it'll be an impossible mould for him to follow while staying himself, and a dignified man. You're wrong. No man is perfect, just as no woman is perfect. We all have flaws, and the point of relationships (in my mind, which is where you are right now) is finding someone who's flaws you can accept, and eventually learn to love.
The saddest statement I've ever heard is "He's not perfect now, but he will be". What the fuck are you? A dog trainer? This is a person. You have no right to consider changing them to suit you. What kind of true love or care does that show? If you can't accept their flaws, you should evaluate where you stand.
Where do we get the idea of changing men? The same place we get the idea that every guy we date is "The One", and that we can make him "the One" simply because we're too impatient to wait. You can't make the one. There IS a benefit to approaching each relationship in this way, but none of you are using it.
The benefit:
By approaching each situation as though you're looking for a life partner, you can determine (rather quickly) if the person you're with is someone you could spend your life with.
The Common Approach:
Focus on netting him so that you'll have a life partner, and deal with the differences after (probably the reason for such a high divorce rate..).
Sounds desperate, doesn't it? You're focusing on the destination instead of the journey. It's a long, at times confusing road to figuring this kind of thing out, and by only looking at the destination you're bound to fall in quicksand along the way. Wouldn't you rather be in a happy relationship where you understand and accept each other than the tar pit that the majority of you are working towards?
A truly happy relationship is one where each person feels appreciated, can show their true personality, and where they don't have to feel inadequate for having flaws. By showing yourself, and being cautious, you're putting yourself on the path to a trusting, loving relationship based on acceptance and common interests. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve, but don't look for perfection.
There it is. Enjoy.
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